Something I've Discovered

In this recent bout of massive organization and accomplishment, I've discovered something, or rather rediscovered something about myself.

I NEED to be needed, and as part of being needed, I need to be appreciated for fulfilling other peoples needs.  Does that make sense?

Getting things done for me feels fantastic, it gives me energy, boosts my mood, removes even a little of my need for a coffee inhaler, and just generally makes me happier.  But, getting things done for others, and having them appreciate that use of my time and energy is like crack for me, if that makes sense.  It's addicting, and intoxicating, and just generally a high feeling for me, where no one can stop me and I'm invincible because I did something someone NEEDED me to do.

This morning when I got up I made my husband breakfast like I have every morning for 6 plus years, sent him out the door with a smile ready to meet his day, and then sat down at the computer and got the budget organized and the bills paid.  I responded to emails, commented on facebook posts, "pinned" the things I'd "liked" on pinterest all day yesterday without bother to sort them onto appropriate boards, and then got ready and got to work 10 minutes early, just to sit around and wait for other people to get going on things for me to finish.

I realized coming in with a list ready to go just feels so much better! I had two emails to respond to and a phone call to return waiting on my desk, and doing those things, meeting others needs, made me feel happy and fulfilled.  Sitting and waiting, not so much.

We talked about love languages a bit during study last night.  I've always known mine, even before reading the book.  I love to love by serving and giving.  I can't do it enough, it's the only way I really feel like I've demonstrated love, with my works.  Conversely, I love to be loved by words of affirmation, or in my case, thanks for my works.  As much as serving and giving of myself makes me happy, it drains me after a while if I don't feel like it's appreciated or even noticed. 

Does that make me vain? Does that make me selfish?  Does that mean I'm really not serving out of love?

I don't think so.  I think God wired us all differently, equipping us with different spiritual gifts in order to help lift each other up and grow each other as human beings and Christians for a reason. Some people have a hard time doing, whether due to time restraints, physical limitations, financial problems, emotional immaturity, etc....and those are the people I'm always feeling drawn to. My mom always comments about how many single mom, missionary wives, medically and emotionally unstable people and just generally needy people I've found to be friends with and buy things for and from and give things to, and she's right, I'm drawn to people who need me.

Another observation is that I married a man who'd never had to, and been given the opportunity to take care of himself.  His mom babied him and his dad controlled him, and neither gave him any say in anything in his growing up process or the right to chose to do things on his own even after graduating high school.  His dad picked out clothes, managed his money, chose his car, jobs and everything else, and his mom never taught him to do laundry properly, or cook anything more than a frozen pizza or can of soup.  Saying all of that on my screen makes him look pretty pathetic and worthless, but that's completely not true.  Those "limitations" as most people would see them, are in fact some of the things I love most.  The fact that relying on people his entire life makes him so much more trusting and willing to assume the best in people is so opposite from me.  I've worked for forever, and was exposed to so much "real world" from the time I was 14 on, that much of that innocent, seeing the positives was gone in me before I even graduated high school.  I immediately jump to the worst case scenarios, assume the worst about people, read too much into things trying to protect myself, and he just trusts.  I need to be more trusting.  I need to be more forgiving, and I need to not always assume the worst.  He teaches me that almost every day, and I'm so grateful.

I'm rambling now, and this thing is getting way way longer than I ever planned.

The point is, we all love, and need to be loved differently.  I think I've always known how I'm wired, and how my husband is wired (words of affirmation and physical touch both in and out - so simple, and so male!) but something this week has made me more aware and deliberate to make sure I'm showing love properly.